Yeah… I’m Tired

It’s so ironic to me that in the same season the Lord called me to start this blog, is the same season I’m struggling in so many areas of my life— to include my faith. Faith fatigue is absolutely real, and I’m no stranger to it, myself. If it wasn’t for God’s extremely generous reminders and confirmation that this is where He needs me, I’d honestly have backed out months ago. My flesh wonders often why in the world God would want to use me when I feel like I’m in one of the most challenging seasons of my life, but it wouldn’t be faith if it wasn’t tested and tried. 

I can’t claim to be faithful if I don’t choose faith, even when things are difficult. It’s like claiming to be loyal, but then having zero self-control when it comes to an opportunity to betray someone. You don’t know how much (or how little) you are of something, until you’re forced to rely on that trait to be the vehicle that gets you out of some situations. 

Why I Feel Tired

Not throwing a pity-party for myself by any means, but I do want to provide some context in light of the extremely dramatic introduction. I don’t particularly want to get into the nitty gritty details of it, but let’s just say I’m in, and have been in for probably about three years at this point, a pruning season. So much change has gone on in and around me, and it can be overwhelming to say the least.

I feel as if God is rushing me to learn myself, all the while everything around me is constantly changing. Whether it’s the people around me, the tasks or projects He asks me to take on, the places or location I’m in (being military requires a ton of moving parts)— I honestly just feel really tired. I feel like I can’t catch my breath, nor can I catch up mentally, emotionally or spiritually to where I am physically. 

Have you been there? Are you there now? Let’s just pause together, and thank the Lord for this incredibly challenging journey that He, for whatever reason, felt we needed to endure. Just two nights ago I cried myself to sleep praying for God to give me just a single breath of fresh air in the midst of whatever it is He’s using this season to teach me. I’m tired of being taught. I’m tired of trying to unpack thoughts and feelings. I’m tired of doing the work to heal parts of me that God has loudly exposed and told me needs fixing. I’m. Tired. 

Let’s be Real

Today’s post is just as much, if not more, for me than anyone who could possibly read it. Where do we go when we just feel tired? Not just physically, but in every way you could possibly feel it. If you’re looking for someone to give you the church podium answer, where I push you to just pray, read your Bible, join a small group, and that’s that— I’m not your girl.

This is for the people who are tired, and I mean tired. Those who are so tired that prayer, reading, and socializing all feel as mentally, emotionally and spiritually demanding as climbing Mount Everest. I know this is a bit unorthodox as a Christian blogger, and by no means am I minimizing the power of prayer, God’s word, and connecting with brothers and/or sisters in Christ— but I will say, in an effort to keep it totally raw and real, sometimes I just don’t have it. And if you’ve made it this far into today’s blog post, I may be able to assume the same for you. 

What I’ve been learning in this season of nonstop, undeniable pruning, is that I am in control of very little, so what I can control, I do. The biggest thing that has helped me stay afloat in this season, is bonding with my discomfort rather than resenting it. We know that God is a good, good Father, yes? So then why, would my good, good Father, allow me go through such a lengthy season of discomfort? 

Control the Controllable’s

When I set my emotions aside, without victimizing myself or fussing with the Lord for forsaking me, I latch onto truth. The truth is that there are things God needs me to go through to show up as the most wise, selfless, humble, gracious, loving, and righteous version of myself. There are rooms He needs me in, people He needs me to meet, conversations He needs me to have, and He needs me to bring the power of God into them with me. 

In this pruning season, I feel the weight of every room I’m going to one day enter, bringing the glory to God. I feel the pressure of every conversation I’ll one day have— with non-believers, atheists, those who want to believe but have experienced church hurt or maybe just enough secular hurt. I know I serve a faithful God, who promises to never leave or forsake me. So I latch onto truth. That’s where I go when I’m tired. I go to truth. 

Do I have moments of weakness, where I beg the Lord for a break or pause in the tension my tender heart is enduring? Absolutely. Do I feel too exhausted to pray anything more than a brief pleading of grace? Absolutely. Do I have days where I can’t even crack open my Bible, or when I do, I feel nothing spiritually? Absolutely. 

However, on days and in moments like these, is where I latch onto God’s word, and I trust that what He’s doing in me is to glorify Him, and I’m grateful that He chose me for the job. He could’ve chosen anyone else— heck, if He needs to squeeze this much yuck out of me to make me this exhausted confronting it, He could’ve used someone with far less yuck in them. Someone who was ready to go right then and there. But He chose me. 

He chose to give me the opportunity to collaborate with heaven. He gave me the opportunity to face the challenge, and He’s decided to wait on me to complete it. Isn’t that so cool? To know you’re in a partnership with God when you’re facing a challenging season, is a reminder that He’s waiting on you to get something powerful and wonderful accomplished. I find so much confidence in the midst of my exhaustion— knowing that the Lord hand-selected me, and our partnership, for whatever it is He’s getting ready to do.

Cling to Truth

So when you can’t pray, when you can’t connect to Scripture, when you can’t muster up the energy to join a small group— cling to truth. If the Holy Spirit is dwelling in you in any capacity, you’ll feel truth wrestle with anything the enemy speaks over you, no matter how tired you are. Whether or not you actively engage in the war zone in your mind, it’s happening. 

The Holy Spirit wants to defend you, let Him have His way. Choose to believe in His defense. We call ourselves believers as Christians but what are we choosing to actively believe in? Believing in God means you must believe in yourself, because you have to know that He uses anyone who claims to be a child of His. 

He is the Most High God— not even a kingly father of this world would let their son or daughter live a life that’s reflective of anything short of royalty. How much more does our Father in heaven want us to live meaningful, impactful and honorable lives? Accept your sonship as a child of the King of kings, and find peace in knowing that you know how your story ends— because our Bible tells us if it isn’t good, He isn’t done. Latch onto truth. 

You can never be too tired for truth.